[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Passwords are more important than ever.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.