Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.