Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.