Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
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Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore