Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.