Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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Rare photo of two submarines racing
what could possibly go wrong?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused