Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.