Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
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You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me irl
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.