Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee