Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
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Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…