Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

*watches the world burn*

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.