Free him
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”