Free him
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It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.