Free him
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Think I pulled my liver
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
We need more people like this.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that