FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
britain’s three elite institutions
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks