FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Joseph Smith, 1833
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo