FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
A completely valid reaction tbh
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My blood type is coffee.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
new shirt idea
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all