Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
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1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
So inspired right now.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.