Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
You Might Also Like
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Mike is short for Micycle
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
They grow up so quick
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.