Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW