Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why