Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
You Might Also Like
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
White border agent = Vanilla Ice
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.