Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
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ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them