Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
You Might Also Like
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?