free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
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My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Day 2 of my diet
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius