free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Was it something I said?
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
my proudest tweet
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )