Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

Not even remotely sorry.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.