Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

😊🦆

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE