Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume