Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.