Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?