Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.