Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
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ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*