Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

quarantine day 3

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

Oceanography is all about current events

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?