Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.