Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
feetloaf
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.