Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
🔥🔥
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
this year felt like being awake during surgery
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.