Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”

– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?