Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or