Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

You don’t even know

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙