Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
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3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
we’re gonna need another temp
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?