@Cravin4

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

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@juskewitch

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

@Donna_McCoy

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

@Junkyardigan

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

*drops mic*

*deletes account*

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

@KalvinMacleod

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

@DomesticGoddss

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

@FunnyTunes

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

@hpb777

Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.

@turtledumplin

My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.