@Cravin4

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

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@crocodilethumbs

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

@_NTFG_

Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.

@FlorkOfCows

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

@underchilde

If I tell you I’m “breaking out the fine china,” I just mean the expensive paper plates.

@RxitWounds

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

@Darlainky

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

@briangaar

Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home