me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
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Sit down and let me tell you a story.
Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If I tell you I’m “breaking out the fine china,” I just mean the expensive paper plates.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no
So you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Best courtroom exchange ever.
HOW TO BECOME A CRAZY CAT LADY:
1) Get a cat.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home