Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

I wish I could veto my bills.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.