Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.