Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case