*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
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If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk