freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
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Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)