freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
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[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Damn what did I do next
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”