freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*praying for world peace*
God:
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer