freezing your eggs now has a whole new meaning
You Might Also Like
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
It was worth a shot 😂
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope