freezing your eggs now has a whole new meaning
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s