Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

Take care of yourself, ladies

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.