French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]