French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.