French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
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Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
what the
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.