Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

This forever.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!