Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.