Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

sin harder.

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?