Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

mood

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”