[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
OMG 🤣🤣
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper