Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

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Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse