[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
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Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.