Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger