Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.