[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
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[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
bears
It’s the weekend y’all
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account