French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
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Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Genius idea!!
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.