French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.