French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before