“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
when u come home smelling like another dog
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
