“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
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will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”