Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.