Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
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Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
how to have fun when you’re poor
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
This could be us but you eatin’
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]