Friday
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A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking