Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

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[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

Me too

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them