Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”