Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.