Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.