Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.