Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?