Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?