Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

My work here is don’t.

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

when you order from DoorDastardly

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one